How to Raise a Holly-Hood Baby

Dear Kim Kardashian,

Congratulations! You will soon be the mother of a biracial baby. Raising a Holly-Hood child is a great responsibility , so here are a few suggestions that might help.

1. Buy some grease. Your hair doesn’t require this secret ingredient but your child’s will. Grease and a little bit of water goes a long way on curly hair. May I suggest Carol’s Daughter products or Kinky Curl’s. Buy wide tooth combs and maybe a pick. If the hair grows too big and puffy, try not to panic and Lord, don’t take her to a Beverly Hills salon. This will make matters worse. Call Bey or Solange. They’ll know exactly what to do. Again, call Bey or Solange. Not Venus and Serena.

2. Buy some more grease. This is for your child’s skin. Black people suffer from ash. It’s that dusty, gray color on Kanye’s knees when he gets out of bed in the morning. May I suggest cocoa or shea butter. Vaseline works well in a pinch. These are moisturizing salves that make crusty knees, ankles and elbows gleam. The last thing you’ll want is a paparazzi photo of Lil' Kanye looking crusty. As the mother, you will be judged on the ash.

3. Explain to your child that he or she is Black. Even if Mommy is not, unfortunately the world will see her as Black and it’s nothing personal. Daddy is a rapper from the hood and so she’s almost double black. Two strikes. Tell her that people will ask to touch her curly hair in curiosity and question what she is, but pay it no mind. And when filling out an application she should check the Black/African-American box.

4. Make sure your biracial child knows her father’s family and let them teach her about African-American history. As a Black women, she’ll be expected to know this and will be frowned upon with great disdain if she doesn’t.

5. Buy books with Black characters and give her Black doll babies. It’s important that your child see his/her image reflected in day-to-day life. The images in Calabasas and your bro-in-law, Lamar may confuse her.

Good Luck! Best Wishes!

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